Tag Archives: Random

safe zone

there is no such formal definition to what a safe zone is but if there’s something i want it to be, id have to say its with someone who you trust.

I have never really wanted to touch the topic of depression. One, because I don’t know who from my audience here on wordpress are actual people whom I know of and speak to; and two, Its out of my pride of course to never speak of something that shows weakness. Although, my mind begs to differ. My whole day has been full of self-loathing, fasting (from social media) and prayer. So, here I am, in the hopes of letting it all out.

Well, for starters, being sad is not a fun thing to go through especially when you’re too preoccupied with life and things must be in routine that just a slightest touch move in your schedule can absolutely break your one week planning foresight. It’s like the tides, sometimes you’re so high up thinking that you’re unstoppable – that the most insignificant hurtful words you’ll hear towards yourself will serve no relevance to you because all of the sudden, you’re mighty, brave and strong. But, there are those days where you totally and utterly erase the thought of being hurt in your mind, that the slightest story you hear about yourself that came from someone else’s mouth just eats you up inside and makes you feel like you wanna set your soul on fire. The tide today, is the latter.

I have always wanted to do what I want and say what I want. In spite the fact that, people really won’t understand your upbringing. I was raised to be independent. It was when I was young that I always clutched on to my parents, that their date nights had to be sacrificed because I couldn’t stand being at home without them. It was then that they practiced me to make friends and interact. So I was brought up this way in order for them to make me see the beauty that lies outside of our gate. I wish I could have just stayed home. I wish I could have just stayed in my safe zone. Naive, I explored. Met new people and mingled. Just to get with toxic people who treated me and eventually told me that I couldn’t do anything progressive in life because I am of insignificance and a disgrace to society.

You may be asking yourself why is she sharing such a glum topic? or you may have already given up on reading at this point because you may think that its just pure cliche, that every one gets sad sometimes right? so who am i to complain about such a simple problem that in 5 years won’t even matter.


To get to the point, I won’t be explaining everything in full detail. But there’s one reason why I am typing this. This is not for the non existent wordpress audience I have but more solely to myself and to the people who share the same struggle. (I know you are many)

This serves as a reminder of what I felt during times of trouble. That I was shaken and taken aback by negativity and evil things circulating around me. This is me trying to remind myself to  be steadfast and moving forward. No matter how many people try to bring you down; what they say more about you will eventually say more about them. There’s is no need for you to seek revenge because God has his way. You are forgiven for your mistakes and you have to forgive those who try to destroy you. Love yourself a bit but Love others a lot more.  Even if that’s too soon to call, the wounds are fresh and there’s just so much fear in you that restricts you from functioning. This crippling fear that attracts only the clumsiest of human responsiveness. It’s like you’ve been working drunk and buzzed on negativity. It’s crazy, but stay focused. Magnify on things you that are good, the treasures of this world are all temporary. It does not end here. Brush off and live, tell that to yourself everyday.

Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for ‘God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble.’ Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world.

(1 Peter 5:5-9)

xx

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bored, i am

THE-JADE-PROJECT

turmoil. My life for the past few months of not writing here has been in constant turmoil. (BTW i’m finally of legal age! & i have a tattoo) Well, for the most part – just my personal life. Though, i tried my hardest to keep my work life (meaning college life) in order. I landed a position, not a job but a college title that i think might actually look good once presented on my resume. Did I feel good about it? Yes. I actually felt as though I was doing better with my life. It was a “let’s-get-busy-and-forget-about-my awful-breakup-and-mild-depression-stage” kinda good. I thought maybe this was a calling, maybe God wants me to tackle new things and realize that i can do more than just mope around and self-loathe while i divert all my remaining optimism and strength by supporting a very toxic partner. That was the dream – to be a support system. To love, to care for, to cook eggs in the morning and make toast with butter and buy beer in the evening and kiss til our lips fell off. That was the dream. Forget the title, forget the job hierarchy, forget the money, I just want to love. Though, love didn’t want me.. yet (hoping that there is hope)

LOVE SUCKS SOMETIMES

Anyway, my drunken thoughts are also in constant turmoil. one moment im pissed at the thought of love and the next, im thinking of better ways to resist the urge of dialing people up at this ungodly hour and cry about how lost i feel.

HEY IM NOT MAKING SENSE.

anyway part 2. I am much better to converse with drunk.

Anyway part 3. I am here because  i have no one to talk to .

Anyway part 4: hi, so how am I doing? Im good. I see people, I go to church and Im about to attend this 4 day retreat with hopes that I can reconnect with my systems and find out who I really am…………… hahahahaha Whatever. Basically, I’ve been numb for a few weeks and I went out one night with a couple of friends and suddenly i felt really really happy and content for 6 hrs and once my feet landed home, I felt really lost again. Sux. Night

 

xx

The ideal person (does not exist)

Hello. Just paid a quick stop on my blog journal to dump my thoughts.

These past few months have been very emotionally challenging for me in terms of love, life, and ………. friendships? Anyway, that’s probably the only update  I can give since I haven’t  been THAT inclined with life yet to the point of questioning why what how when and what the hell. But one thing that stood out the most is commitment. 

Being in a relationship (and trying to make it last) at a very young age is quite the challenge. The whole concept of being a teenager is to try everything at once and enjoy the moment — not be stuck in a position with someone and expect that they’re going to be there for the rest of your life. Before I entered the relationship I am in now, I told myself that i was hella ready to stay committed and to keep thinking “long-term” but I contradicted my thoughts with childish actions that could not just destroy the relationship but the friendship as well. Crazy right?

There were a lot of times I wished that I was with someone that I need not to accept so difficulty. Someone who matches with what I expect him to be. The ideal person. My close friend from college talked about how you can’t love someone “ideal”, it’s not gonna be real love, so he said; because with love comes acceptance. Therefore he stated that its fake.– the ideal person, even if there is one; is fake. You cannot love someone that matches up to your expectations, we are built to face challenges and loving the ideal person is gonna be so easy, you’ll get bored and look for someone flawed and challenge yourself if you can accept this person then the cycle goes on with looking for someone ideal again. Oh how i wish i took up psychology or some neuroscience program in order for me to explain this further. But do you get me?

So, commitment. wait for the ideal person or stay with my flawed relationship… 

Even if there were tons of times i wanted to give up and stay well with my mind and soul, I have no other choice but to stay challenged.