Tag Archives: Love

bored, i am

THE-JADE-PROJECT

turmoil. My life for the past few months of not writing here has been in constant turmoil. (BTW i’m finally of legal age! & i have a tattoo) Well, for the most part – just my personal life. Though, i tried my hardest to keep my work life (meaning college life) in order. I landed a position, not a job but a college title that i think might actually look good once presented on my resume. Did I feel good about it? Yes. I actually felt as though I was doing better with my life. It was a “let’s-get-busy-and-forget-about-my awful-breakup-and-mild-depression-stage” kinda good. I thought maybe this was a calling, maybe God wants me to tackle new things and realize that i can do more than just mope around and self-loathe while i divert all my remaining optimism and strength by supporting a very toxic partner. That was the dream – to be a support system. To love, to care for, to cook eggs in the morning and make toast with butter and buy beer in the evening and kiss til our lips fell off. That was the dream. Forget the title, forget the job hierarchy, forget the money, I just want to love. Though, love didn’t want me.. yet (hoping that there is hope)

LOVE SUCKS SOMETIMES

Anyway, my drunken thoughts are also in constant turmoil. one moment im pissed at the thought of love and the next, im thinking of better ways to resist the urge of dialing people up at this ungodly hour and cry about how lost i feel.

HEY IM NOT MAKING SENSE.

anyway part 2. I am much better to converse with drunk.

Anyway part 3. I am here because  i have no one to talk to .

Anyway part 4: hi, so how am I doing? Im good. I see people, I go to church and Im about to attend this 4 day retreat with hopes that I can reconnect with my systems and find out who I really am…………… hahahahaha Whatever. Basically, I’ve been numb for a few weeks and I went out one night with a couple of friends and suddenly i felt really really happy and content for 6 hrs and once my feet landed home, I felt really lost again. Sux. Night

 

xx

The ideal person (does not exist)

Hello. Just paid a quick stop on my blog journal to dump my thoughts.

These past few months have been very emotionally challenging for me in terms of love, life, and ………. friendships? Anyway, that’s probably the only update  I can give since I haven’t  been THAT inclined with life yet to the point of questioning why what how when and what the hell. But one thing that stood out the most is commitment. 

Being in a relationship (and trying to make it last) at a very young age is quite the challenge. The whole concept of being a teenager is to try everything at once and enjoy the moment — not be stuck in a position with someone and expect that they’re going to be there for the rest of your life. Before I entered the relationship I am in now, I told myself that i was hella ready to stay committed and to keep thinking “long-term” but I contradicted my thoughts with childish actions that could not just destroy the relationship but the friendship as well. Crazy right?

There were a lot of times I wished that I was with someone that I need not to accept so difficulty. Someone who matches with what I expect him to be. The ideal person. My close friend from college talked about how you can’t love someone “ideal”, it’s not gonna be real love, so he said; because with love comes acceptance. Therefore he stated that its fake.– the ideal person, even if there is one; is fake. You cannot love someone that matches up to your expectations, we are built to face challenges and loving the ideal person is gonna be so easy, you’ll get bored and look for someone flawed and challenge yourself if you can accept this person then the cycle goes on with looking for someone ideal again. Oh how i wish i took up psychology or some neuroscience program in order for me to explain this further. But do you get me?

So, commitment. wait for the ideal person or stay with my flawed relationship… 

Even if there were tons of times i wanted to give up and stay well with my mind and soul, I have no other choice but to stay challenged.