Tag Archives: journal

Breathe in; live in the moment.

Okay, Hi. I always tend to start my entries with “so the past few days I’ve been” and now that I have pointed that out, I can start with exactly pointing that out. (laughs)

 

The “ber months” (September-December) are fast approaching. Usually in the Philippines, once the calendar lands on September, the malls start playing Christmas songs; I am not one to complain about it because I personally crave the anticipation and expectation. There’s that lovely feeling of waking up in the morning not knowing how the day is going to unfold. My mind races to the thought of what my day would look like at around 5pm where I start packing up my bag and stepping out of my college building to race to the bus stop or to get an Uber. Every day I live in expectation of what will happen; I start planning things in my head – it could be scenarios that are 5 years ahead of me. It can be small things like what food to get on a scheduled trip to a different city in two months and it can get as big as planning which car will I get once I get a place of my own, or…. will I get a car in that matter. (the traffic makes me think twice about this all the time) All this planning and waiting and expecting sometimes gets out of hand; I can’t deny that if I put my mind into it too much, I might go insane.

IMG_3353

“Okay, Breathe in; Live in the moment”

This has been my mantra since forever – quite exaggerated but, somehow true. I haven’t gotten myself onto checking what type of mind I really do have, but; as the years pass by I come to realize that my mind is not one that lives in the moment – At all – Unless, it’s at the beach or some place nice. There are times that I really don’t want moments to end. These moments are usually whenever I am out-of-town doing something crazy fun like a vacation or even work. Although, once back in the mundane Manila routine, I am always rushing for time to lapse faster and take me to a different situation.

On August I am back to the usual college program I effortlessly enrolled myself in. This time, I am on my third year. *chheeerssss* However, I think I am more excited to end this year already instead of starting it. This time I hold a bigger responsibility and planning for this year has been essential. Imagine, my work mates and I have already planned for programs that can go as far to the last month of the 2nd semester and I just think, that’s crazy. Every month, I will be expecting. Every month there’s an event day or week marked on my phone’s calendar waiting to be ticked off. It would be so easy to just fly by these days as if it not gonna be as hectic living in the “filler days” where all I can do is wake up, get to my classes, come home and sleep; Hence, “the mundane college student routine.” In spite of that, I know I am grateful of these pretty cool opportunities, it makes me feel like I won’t even know what day I’m on anymore and my rushing mind would really love that.

Then comes the worrying side of my brain, the inner demons that whisper senseless things. Usually I would always hear the same old, what if something goes wrong? or what if at this future point in time, you lose your passion?

This is where I’ve learned to crazily talk to myself and say: “Breath, live in the moment.” 

It is so much easier said that done. I have observed that once you allow your mind to wander again, it’s quite hard to get out. So, what have I been doing in the hopes of keeping my mind to stay still? One.. Meditation. This can be yoga or simply downloading any meditation app that can teach you a good breathing technique and some sort of mind control magic. I have the Headspace app that fortunately still has an abundant supply of free meditation packs but as much as I want to purchase a subscription, I don’t want to rely on it so much. (My subtle way of saying I’m too broke for an app subscription, haha!) So I’m just sticking with the free breathing exercises and to be honest, they help. The second thing that I find very helpful and most importantly is the more rightful thing to do is reading. (plus it’s free!) However, this is where things can get quite cheesy because I’ve been reading more solely on books that are Christian which of course, includes the Bible. Other books would be devotionals that are scheduled which sort of aids my expectancy problem because I need to take in the lessons one day at a time, so this requires me to control my mind to stay at ease and not flip to the next page suited for tomorrow’s lesson. Of course, I get lots of good wisdom from all of these practices. More solely I get enlightened and uplifted with what has been promised and what things I should magnify on more. Still, I believe it is going to be quite a lengthy process before I master the art of living in the moment, but I know if I do, everything will start to connect.

One of my learning highlights came from a Christian Podcast discussion; Happiness will flood in when we fix our focus on faith instead of fear of the unexpected. One thing I’ve learned from the past month of doing meditations, listening and reading is that; there is something in common faith and fear has; that is – focus. To explain this;

IMG_3360

excuse me as i made a mistake with drawing the compare and contrast diagram, and excuse my penmanship hahaha (idea taken from: How to be Brave Podcasts from Elevation Church)

Having that said, it is pretty obvious what I should do: Focus on faith. Magnify the good things in your life. Life is short and it does not end here. There is more to what’s in it for us in this world. Have faith. If you’re inspired to do the same, I encourage you to. I can’t promise you that it will be easy, however I promise you it will be worth it.

The mind is a powerful thing. One little thought can take hold of you and the next thing you realise, you’re not happy living in the present because we’re either too focused on the past or too excited to get to the future. It can take you a billion times to sit down and breathe and tell yourself to live in the moment and fix your focus, but stay persevered in doing so; transform yourselves by the renewing of your mind.

Let me end with this:

31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans (people who don’t know God) run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

(Matthew 6:31-34)

IMG_2672.JPG

I AM ANXIOUS OVER NOTHING!!                                                                                                                   (repeat until true, pray until true)

 

 

Thanks for reading!!

safe zone

there is no such formal definition to what a safe zone is but if there’s something i want it to be, id have to say its with someone who you trust.

I have never really wanted to touch the topic of depression. One, because I don’t know who from my audience here on wordpress are actual people whom I know of and speak to; and two, Its out of my pride of course to never speak of something that shows weakness. Although, my mind begs to differ. My whole day has been full of self-loathing, fasting (from social media) and prayer. So, here I am, in the hopes of letting it all out.

Well, for starters, being sad is not a fun thing to go through especially when you’re too preoccupied with life and things must be in routine that just a slightest touch move in your schedule can absolutely break your one week planning foresight. It’s like the tides, sometimes you’re so high up thinking that you’re unstoppable – that the most insignificant hurtful words you’ll hear towards yourself will serve no relevance to you because all of the sudden, you’re mighty, brave and strong. But, there are those days where you totally and utterly erase the thought of being hurt in your mind, that the slightest story you hear about yourself that came from someone else’s mouth just eats you up inside and makes you feel like you wanna set your soul on fire. The tide today, is the latter.

I have always wanted to do what I want and say what I want. In spite the fact that, people really won’t understand your upbringing. I was raised to be independent. It was when I was young that I always clutched on to my parents, that their date nights had to be sacrificed because I couldn’t stand being at home without them. It was then that they practiced me to make friends and interact. So I was brought up this way in order for them to make me see the beauty that lies outside of our gate. I wish I could have just stayed home. I wish I could have just stayed in my safe zone. Naive, I explored. Met new people and mingled. Just to get with toxic people who treated me and eventually told me that I couldn’t do anything progressive in life because I am of insignificance and a disgrace to society.

You may be asking yourself why is she sharing such a glum topic? or you may have already given up on reading at this point because you may think that its just pure cliche, that every one gets sad sometimes right? so who am i to complain about such a simple problem that in 5 years won’t even matter.


To get to the point, I won’t be explaining everything in full detail. But there’s one reason why I am typing this. This is not for the non existent wordpress audience I have but more solely to myself and to the people who share the same struggle. (I know you are many)

This serves as a reminder of what I felt during times of trouble. That I was shaken and taken aback by negativity and evil things circulating around me. This is me trying to remind myself to  be steadfast and moving forward. No matter how many people try to bring you down; what they say more about you will eventually say more about them. There’s is no need for you to seek revenge because God has his way. You are forgiven for your mistakes and you have to forgive those who try to destroy you. Love yourself a bit but Love others a lot more.  Even if that’s too soon to call, the wounds are fresh and there’s just so much fear in you that restricts you from functioning. This crippling fear that attracts only the clumsiest of human responsiveness. It’s like you’ve been working drunk and buzzed on negativity. It’s crazy, but stay focused. Magnify on things you that are good, the treasures of this world are all temporary. It does not end here. Brush off and live, tell that to yourself everyday.

Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for ‘God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble.’ Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world.

(1 Peter 5:5-9)

xx

bored, i am

THE-JADE-PROJECT

turmoil. My life for the past few months of not writing here has been in constant turmoil. (BTW i’m finally of legal age! & i have a tattoo) Well, for the most part – just my personal life. Though, i tried my hardest to keep my work life (meaning college life) in order. I landed a position, not a job but a college title that i think might actually look good once presented on my resume. Did I feel good about it? Yes. I actually felt as though I was doing better with my life. It was a “let’s-get-busy-and-forget-about-my awful-breakup-and-mild-depression-stage” kinda good. I thought maybe this was a calling, maybe God wants me to tackle new things and realize that i can do more than just mope around and self-loathe while i divert all my remaining optimism and strength by supporting a very toxic partner. That was the dream – to be a support system. To love, to care for, to cook eggs in the morning and make toast with butter and buy beer in the evening and kiss til our lips fell off. That was the dream. Forget the title, forget the job hierarchy, forget the money, I just want to love. Though, love didn’t want me.. yet (hoping that there is hope)

LOVE SUCKS SOMETIMES

Anyway, my drunken thoughts are also in constant turmoil. one moment im pissed at the thought of love and the next, im thinking of better ways to resist the urge of dialing people up at this ungodly hour and cry about how lost i feel.

HEY IM NOT MAKING SENSE.

anyway part 2. I am much better to converse with drunk.

Anyway part 3. I am here because  i have no one to talk to .

Anyway part 4: hi, so how am I doing? Im good. I see people, I go to church and Im about to attend this 4 day retreat with hopes that I can reconnect with my systems and find out who I really am…………… hahahahaha Whatever. Basically, I’ve been numb for a few weeks and I went out one night with a couple of friends and suddenly i felt really really happy and content for 6 hrs and once my feet landed home, I felt really lost again. Sux. Night

 

xx

I AM BACK

20150726-231811.jpg

stronger, wiser and heavier
let us all just pretend i took a long nap (a long and tiring one)

The past few months of my disappearance was due to tremendous adolescent phases I had to go through, in which, I think I succeeded in facing but at the same time failed at being fully “together” with myself. I won’t be giving an in depth explanation of what had happened but I’d like to say that the situations I faced a couple months back has made a huge impact in my life. Well, at least a little bit. Haha. Nonetheless, that’s all over now and I am more than grateful to be alive and in college.

College
Finally at it.
“New chapter of my life” (the best line I’ve got to describe it, uhhh cliché)
Not as surprising as I was hoping for it to be yet I know I like the college set-up more than the high school one. I think being away from my parents is the closest I can get to feeling more of an “adult.” And to me, that’s amazing.

I would like to end my update there.
I am hoping to get back on my feet with my entries.
I honestly think I was at my best self back when I came here for relaxation.

plus, i miss writing.
….