turmoil. My life for the past few months of not writing here has been in constant turmoil. (BTW i’m finally of legal age! & i have a tattoo) Well, for the most part – just my personal life. Though, i tried my hardest to keep my work life (meaning college life) in order. I landed a position, not a job but a college title that i think might actually look good once presented on my resume. Did I feel good about it? Yes. I actually felt as though I was doing better with my life. It was a “let’s-get-busy-and-forget-about-my awful-breakup-and-mild-depression-stage” kinda good. I thought maybe this was a calling, maybe God wants me to tackle new things and realize that i can do more than just mope around and self-loathe while i divert all my remaining optimism and strength by supporting a very toxic partner. That was the dream – to be a support system. To love, to care for, to cook eggs in the morning and make toast with butter and buy beer in the evening and kiss til our lips fell off. That was the dream. Forget the title, forget the job hierarchy, forget the money, I just want to love. Though, love didn’t want me.. yet (hoping that there is hope)
LOVE SUCKS SOMETIMES
Anyway, my drunken thoughts are also in constant turmoil. one moment im pissed at the thought of love and the next, im thinking of better ways to resist the urge of dialing people up at this ungodly hour and cry about how lost i feel.
HEY IM NOT MAKING SENSE.
anyway part 2. I am much better to converse with drunk.
Anyway part 3. I am here because i have no one to talk to .
Anyway part 4: hi, so how am I doing? Im good. I see people, I go to church and Im about to attend this 4 day retreat with hopes that I can reconnect with my systems and find out who I really am…………… hahahahaha Whatever. Basically, I’ve been numb for a few weeks and I went out one night with a couple of friends and suddenly i felt really really happy and content for 6 hrs and once my feet landed home, I felt really lost again. Sux. Night